It’s been almost a year since my last super vulnerable blog post so I felt like maybe it was time to open up again. This post may be a mess, but bear with me.
Trigger warning: self harm, suicide
I’ve only felt suicidal once, and it was one of my lowest nights.. ever. This was probably 4+ years go now, but I still remember the feeling like it was yesterday. My heart was pounding so hard I could hear it, my whole body felt numb. I couldn’t think of anything but the pain I was feeling. I laid on my bathroom floor, feeling the cold of the tile, as silent tears rushed down my cheeks into a puddle on the floor. In May, I lost someone to the same illness that brought me those feelings, and it brings them all rushing back. These past 6 months, the feelings have been coming in waves.
It’s almost immobilizing. When a wave hits I can’t do anything but leave the room and cry. I can’t do anything except get my blade out, just to reassure myself that it’s there. I’ve been clean for almost 2 years and I still like to have my blade with me, even if I have no intention of using it- it’s like a security blanket. I can’t fully explain why, but, especially when I know I’m going somewhere that will trigger my anxiety or depression, having it with me calms my nerves. When I hear something that triggers it, it’s like a switch gets flipped & I can’t turn it off. I just shut down, I can barely walk. Like I said, I have only felt suicidal once, and it was over 4 years ago, but that doesn’t make the thought or reality of it any easier to swallow.
A few weeks ago I saw A Star Is Born. And while it’s true that it’s an amazing film, it’s unbearably triggering. I legitimately loved every second of the film, up until the last 20 minutes. That night I feel into such a depressive episode I legitimately couldn’t walk, I couldn’t get up from my bathroom floor for over an hour, and when I finally did get up to go get a glass of water, I almost collapsed in my kitchen because my body couldn’t handle anything except the all of the emotion I was feeling.
If you’re wondering why I’m sharing all of this with you, don’t worry because I’m kind of wondering the same. But honestly I got the urge to write this post at 2 am after another bad mental night because I feel as though struggles surrounding mental illness and self harm and suicide don’t get put under a light like this. Often times we don’t hear about the details of a bad night and I thought that if I could allow even one person to feel seen and heard and validated by my stories, then I’ve done the job that God put me on this earth to do. And if you don’t relate to any of this, I hope this gave you a glimpse into what many people, probably around you, feel that you may not even know about.
Although there are some major bad times with depression, there are insanely high highs in life too. I can’t count how many good days and amazing moments I’ve had with those around me even in my lowest points. It gets better, it gets easier. Not completely easy.. but easier. One day, I all of a sudden didn’t have to force myself to smile anymore, I just genuinely felt joy. Little things like that start to come easier as time goes by. Until they do, be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, and TALK TO SOMEONE. Healing isn’t linear, we have good days and bad days, but as long as we know that and stay hopeful, it’ll all turn out okay. I can’t stress the importance of counseling enough ever. Counseling legitimately saved my life. Find a therapist you trust and you’ll be golden. I would advise everyone, even those without any diagnosed mental health issues, to go see a counselor a few times a month. We all have issues, we all have things going on in our lives, therapy helps. Moral of the story: push through, be patient, talk to someone, you’ll come out the other side strong & prosperous. Although I still have bad days, weeks, even months, I’m nowhere close to the mental place I was in 4+ years ago, and that’s a triumph in itself.
Disclaimer: not everyone with depression or anxiety or who struggles with self harm/suicidal thoughts has the same experience. These are a few of my personal experiences that I felt called to share. If you have a loved one who you feel may be struggling, ask for their story because it may look very different from mine.
Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255
As always, thanks for bein here, I appreciate ya.
(Photo credit: Emily Carder)