(trigger warning: self-harm)
It’s been wayyyyy too long since I’ve sat down and typed out what I’m feelin’, so I decided it was time. Today I’m feeling grateful, happy, excited, and nervous all at once. The reason this post has taken me so long to write is because it’s a lot for me to digest all at once, so I’ve been writing it down in bits & pieces so that when I was ready, I could put it all together, and I believe I’m ready now.
1 year. That’s how long it’s been since I last self-harmed. 1 year ….& a little extra because I’m a chicken who was too scared to put this together on the actual day ;). This post is gonna get real, but not too real bc quite honestly I don’t want to get into the specifics of it quite yet. January 21 was my special anniversary, and I am so incredibly proud of myself for coming as far as I have. I recently was told by someone very near & dear to me that I was “the most changed person she knew,” and it just made my heart melt. After she said it, I had to agree to a certain extent. 4 years ago when this battle began I was someone that I now wouldn’t even recognize. & it took those 4 years of hard work, falling & getting back up, and LOTS & LOTS of prayer to get me to where I am today. SOOOOOO in this post I’ll be addressing my journey and what I learned from my struggles.
I don’t truly know what started my struggle with depression, nor my battle with self-harm, but I know that it was long and it was hard. When I first started to realize that something was off & that I wasn’t happy with who I was, I began to try on a few different identities. I looked for my worth & identity in the satisfaction of boys for a brief period of time, and all that happened was I became less of myself than I already was. I became someone I wasn’t and I knew it wasn’t right, but I had no other choice because I felt that who I really was wasn’t good enough. I began having issue eating, and would put extreme guilt on myself for eating certain things or certain amounts of things. This, along with cutting, dragged me deeper and deeper into the pit I had dug myself. It wasn’t until I began therapy with an AMAZING Christian based therapist & began to return to the life of a church, that I truly began to see something different.
I attended a retreat at a friend’s church (now the church I regularly attend) in January of 2015 & the worship band sang the song “All He Says I Am” by Cody Carnes. I remember instantly having tears streaming down my face. The lyrics “Oh I am loved, and I am new again, and I am free, I’m no slave to sin… I am all He says I am, and He says I am His own,” resonated with me and I honestly can say that for the first time, although having grown up in the church, I felt God. I felt free. I began to surround myself with Godly people and realized “okay something’s different here…” but I honestly still didn’t get it. I thought it was the people I was choosing to surround myself with, but it wasn’t. It was God moving in these people to lead me in a prosperous direction.
Although all of this was an insanely instrumental step into my acceptance of myself, my struggle continued. & I couldn’t figure out why, I mean I was going to church and listening, WHAT MORE COULD I DO??? Well, I later realized that although I was going to church and going through the motions, I wasn’t truly believing the stuff I was hearing. I learned that until I started believing what I heard while I sat in the pew, or maybe what I even already thought of God, I would never truly accept myself & be happy with myself. I realized that I could never be truly confident in myself until I was 100% confident in who He is & what He’s capable of; confidence and self-love are, yes of course from us accepting ourselves, but originally from a place far outside of ourselves: God.
I began to rely HEAVILY on scripture to get me through my bad days, and I began to spend my darkest moments talking to God rather than turning straight to my blade. This was a long process of relapse & struggle, but eventually I was able to get through days at a time without even thinking of relapse, and now here we are & I haven’t harmed myself in a year. Not to be too white girl basic, buuuuut the struggle was REAL, ladies and gents. (Sorry, I had to).
Bottom line, moral of the story, these struggles exist and are 100000000% okay. I’m not ashamed of the battle I fought, I’m proud of the scars I bare & the journey I traveled. I wholeheartedly believe that God doesn’t give us anything that we can’t handle, and I believe He gave me this story for a reason, to share it. & to use it. & to learn from it. & hopefully to inspire anyone struggling with any sorts of the issues I mentioned in this post, and to tell them it’s okay, and He’s here for you. God uses us for cool things, and I feel this is how He wanted to use me today.
If you are struggling with any of the things I mentioned & want to chat about it, I would love to. My contact info can be found on the “contact me” page, DM or email me!!! (Also if you’re not struggling with any of these things, but still wanna chat!!!)
As always, thanks for bein here, I appreciate ya.
(p.s. photo creds to the talented & brilliant Emily Carder, who also was there will me through every high & low, love u boo boo)